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Day 365

Sweat and tears

A lot of the problem is that I’m menopausal and I don’t want to admit it. But every night I’m absolutely soaked through with sweat and have to change my pyjamas. That’s been the case for the last two weeks. Not good. So the situation is already intense and then on top of that I’m going through my own hormonal journey. The result is a disaster.

Teddy left this afternoon and I was surprised to find I actually cried saying goodbye to him. He was so lovely and reassuring. But I should be careful. I have confided in him before and he has betrayed me. I could well be too trusting of him which is weak of me.

Earlier explosion from me involved James joining the lunch table saying that Ma wanted to scatter Dad’s ashes before Teddy went off to the airport at 4.30. We had agreed we would do that another time. And suddenly she wanted to do it now. His ashes were brought home this morning. It felt like Ma just wanted to get rid of them. I wanted it to be a special occasion. One thought out and done in a beautiful place. Event postponed.

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