Talking about "levels of intimacy"
I'm sitting drinking morning coffee when my philosophical friend calls. He's got a woman from overseas staying with him and we get into a discussion of our relationship lives. The comparisons begin.
He observes that previous GF was so busy dealing with her own wounds from past relationships, it acted as a barrier to establishing true intimacy with him. I describe how current ex-not-ex was capable of extreme cruelty towards me, using intimate details of my life against me at any given moment.
P-friend states something interesting: "You know, there's this idea that people are uncomfortable with certain levels of intimacy, and that when they reach that point, they find ways to slap it down to a level with which they are comfortable. Maybe ex-not-ex is doing that kind of thing."
I describe ex-not-ex's previous non-relationships, as well as family where father was cheating on mother. He observes that ex-not-ex may use cruelty as way to push me away, because of her distrust of men. She is uncomfortable with higher levels of intimacy and does maladaptive behaviors to pull things down to a level she can handle.
And maybe that's why me ex-not-ex will soon be my ex. Letting go is hard, though.