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Day 11

The point?

Feel so low, undervalued, taken for granted, depressed. I wouldn't ever hurt myself but I am having thoughts of suicide. I lay in bed at night and think of slashing my wrists or taking an od of my medication, I think of how my funeral would go and who would be upset BUT I wouldn't and couldn't do anything to myself, not for my sake but for the sake of my son and family. I know this feeling will pass as it comes and goes and tomorrow I could be ok but right now I am in the depths of my darkness. I get pissed off easily, resent people, all my troubles seem x1,000,000 worse, money problems, my mysterious reason for having diabetes (I am not a typical type 2 patient) family trouble, lack of sex etc etc etc.

I just bottle all this up and wait for it to simmer down rather than speak to anyone. Here I am, telling my feelings to complete strangers online, does that make me sad that i'd rather scurry away than tackle my issues head on?

Hide Comments (9)

  • Rodeo Rodeo
    62 months ago

    I have found it very cathartic to,put my feeling down on here. Writing it stops me from worrying any more.
    I think it's the changing of season, too, that is affecting us as I have felt really lost and low, and I have no real valid reason.
    Use PC as we are always here and ready to listen xx

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  • Escape from my head Escape from my head
    62 months ago

    Thank you, the generosity and genuine goodwill of total strangers does lighten the darkness, I suppose when you're lost and in the dark, any light is welcome.

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  • White Dog White Dog
    62 months ago

    I don't think that you are bottling up, you are using PC as a platform for your internalising. There are those on here who have been in the same place as you and can offer support and advice. PC is as good a place as any to start and one day you may feel ready to talk to those who matter. xx

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  • Emotionality Emotionality
    62 months ago

    I felt exactly the same for months there. I started keeping a daily private journal and tried to explore what it was that was annoying me. I obsessed with the thought of death and it stopped me from doing anything. I looked up the idea of cbt and my friend sent me a book which has been very helpful called "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D Burns. It has some CBT exercises. I found it helpful as although I've been referred for CBT my first appointment is MAY!! And I've been waiting since November :/ With my own journal I discovered so many issues I was angry with, I've recently realised I was getting angry at things that have no important and just going around and around.

    In the last week I am starting to feel great, and with hope again. Not completely out of the darkness yet, but it's MUCH brighter here. I was very, very lost. But I have a fresh new perspective. It does get easier :) But you just have to sail through and wait it out. Good Luck :D

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  • Emotionality Emotionality
    62 months ago

    *importance

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  • Whats Next Whats Next
    62 months ago

    I would say that by letting it out here you are actually tackling the issue head on. In fact, I would say you are kicking its ass. This was for me a huge step. I felt I was being a coward for feeling like this. That I was simmering in my own self pity. I was ashamed of how I felt. I thought myself lazy, stupid, and spineless.

    I have since learned that my depression has a clinical explanation that has nothing to do with my manliness or whether I was a coward or not. Dealing with that here and reading how others cope and survive with the same feelings I have give me incentive to feel better.

    So you are in good company.

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  • Whats Next Whats Next
    62 months ago

    Now if only those damn spam emails for testosterone supplements would stop!!!

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  • Lammy Lammy
    62 months ago

    I don't think it makes you sad, it makes you human.

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  • Anon de Plume Anon de Plume
    62 months ago

    Escape from my head - Pencourage is exactly that, to help you escape from the stuff going around and around in your head. If it gives you a sense of space and peace and some balance in your life, then what's to feel guilty about? We all use it that way. Some days are better because I'm better. Some days aren't, but then life's not perfect, so it's great to have somewhere to go with that sh*t at any time of the day or night, anywhere in the world and know you can toss out the trash, and, strangely, it may help someone else as well as yourself. Keep going. You're doing great.

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