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Day 393

The purge

Last night I off loaded on Ma about how I felt about James. I was keyed up and she’s always been my confessor, purging me of my sins. And so she was again. It was a great relief to spit venom about him and get it off my chest. I’ve been well behaved but underneath I’m hurt and angry. I told her, and she winced under the weight of it. I knew that I shouldn’t, but she’s been off loading on me for so long I felt it was my turn. Unjust, I know, of course, but it had to be done. So, when I saw her this morning she was miserable and said she hadn’t slept because of the things I had told her. I think she had slept more than me, that’s for sure. It was a difficult beginning. And Beloved made it worse at breakfast. He is so imposing and insistent. And that’s interesting because the way he comes across is the way that I must come across to James, I see that now. And the way that James is with me is the way that I am with Beloved. I see the mirror and the problem.

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