Day 1

This is my story.

So, cards on the table then shall I??

I am bi-polar, narcissistic, sociopath, who has spent the majority of my time in life trying hard to be someone I'm not, that is, a decent person.

This journal will be my crutch, I will be using it to pen my thoughts, unburden myself of some of my past crimes that I still, to this day, barely even admit to myself, and maybe tell the occasional story of how I came to this be the person I am today.

I often find myself a stranger, alone and isolated, even when I am surrounded by those closest to me. I relate to no-one, I simply possess a vast collection of masks of which I am highly adept at wielding. A mask of a friend, a mask of a sibling, a mask of a co-worker, a lover, a parent, a tutor, a leader, a gamer, a nerd, a jock, a mask to be whomever I choose to be at any given moment. But unlike others, a also possess hybrid masks, masks forged from circumstance that allow me to be multiple personas at any given time.

But this leaves me hollow, and alone. For I am not me.

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  • runcicle runcicle
    9 months ago

    Welcome, Shadowman159.

    Yes, no-one will maintain a relationship with a mask for long, unless they are wearing an even thicker mask. So you end up looking at other people's masks instead of interacting with a person.

    The reason for holding a mask is fear, like a shield, to ward off an aggressor. But there is no aggressor or, if one is perceived, it is of one's own making.

    Each mask, shield, is the result of a past encounter where you were hurt. 'No more', says the hurt child, 'this is my shield for that', and another avenue is shut down.

    But, have hope. Sociopath? I doubt it. Sociopaths are so self-righteous they never question their attitudes. Questions are the answer to everything.

    Have a look at transactional analysis by Eric Berne. Several books - 'Games People Play', 'What Do You Do after You Say Hello', and 'I'm OK - You're OK' by Thomas Harris.
    When I first came across transactional analysis, many years ago, I couldn't stop reading them till I'd finished them all.

    You start seeing other people's masks, which then helps you see your own.

    Trace some of the other, long past, journals on here, when there were many more contributors. You'll see many masks.

    How did you find us?


    Advice Rating:

  • Bettedavis Bettedavis
    8 months ago

    Your journey has just begun
    Soul searching is a must

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